What's this??? The first Lightning Round of 2021? The first Lightning Round of...
... Season Five?
OK, I know, I know, it's Season Six. Way to take the fun out of a fun 90s sample-laden groove metal .gif, you fucking killjoy. I bet you do sadist shit like sit down with your kids to watch The Wizard of Oz and then, after the movie, tell them that everyone in the movie has been dead for a long time. You fucking piece of shit. I hope you choke.
ANYWAY, we have a lightning round to get through. Without further ado...
D'Brian's, 12 February 2021
Remember that time, almost, wow, a year ago to the day that I reviewed D'Brian's by telling a long-winded story about my high school friend, Reuben? OK, now do you also remember the time I went on extended rant about Steak-umms? Yeah, just mangle those two together and you'll have a whole new D'Brian's review, however you want to do it. Believe me, it's OK that it's lazy, this sandwich was. I mean I almost didn't even write this bit in the name of matching the amount of effort they put into making this sandwich.
Broadway Pizza, 10 March 2021
At one of the previous employee appreciation luncheons, I ordered the Italian hoagie and got the Italian sausage hoagie. This time I ordered the Italian in the hopes that I would get the right one. I did.
There's nothing much memorable about this sandwich, which is a shame because Broadway does some real nice work with pizza. I think I preferred the fries over the sandwich which, again, is a shame.
I wouldn't turn my nose up at this sandwich but I have had way better. I think I would rank this one, out of all that I've had, in the middle of the curve. I mean it's OK, it just doesn't stand out. You won't be mad you got it but you won't be thrilled you got it. You'll eat it but you won't talk shit afterward like with Subway, where you'd say, "I had to eat something and this was the least offensive," no, you'll probably actually like this one. But just a little.
Like if this sandwich were a coworker, it'd be the coworker you're always happy to talk about the Tigers with but, fuck no, you are never helping them move.
JC's Subs, 12 March 2021
Kath has a new boyfriend and his name is JC's Subs.
It was her turn to pick on Friday and we were curious: Could JC's do the unthinkable again?
We placed our order and waited. We got into twenty minute territory. Twenty three was their record setter. Twenty five, twenty five was the promise.
Then thirty. OK, there's nothing wrong with thirty.
Then thirty five. Oh, well, nothing good ever lasts.
Thirty eight. I get the phone call. OK, here we go. They're going to tell me that they're pulling up right now, in what is surely an "average quickness" for delivery anymore. Almost forty minutes? That's typically considered quick. Twenty three was superhuman, thirty eight is -
"Mister Charlie?"
"Yeah?"
"This is Xxxx from JC's Subs. I'm running a little late -" Of course. "- I was almost in an accident."
"Oh, my god! Are you OK?"
"Yeah, there are just some scratches to my car."
Scratches? That's contact. That's not "almost" in an accident, that's an accident. Yes, I do like my food delicious and piping hot but not if... I mean... OK, we don't know who was at fault here, I just tell Xxxx to be careful and we'll see him when he gets here.
And then he gets here and he comes tearing ass down my street, comes to a dead stop in front of my building (in the car with the JC's logo) and checks the car for damages and hands me my food and I tell him to be careful and he says OK and then I watch him FUCKING GUN IT to the corner which is literally two car lengths away from where he stopped, and then he swings a Louie like a goddamned tilt-a-whirl and disappears into the evening.
I'm not sure I can order from JC's anymore, my sandwich may be the one that kills somebody.
That cheesesteak was pretty boss, though. It's not like I remember it in any detail or even what Kath got because, similar to how we couldn't stop talking about the fantastic delivery speed last time, this time we were concerned that this would happen to Xxxx.
Look, we're on the sixth season. If I want to start posting pictures of funny cars catching fire, I'll post pictures of funny cars catching fire and there's nothing you can do to stop me. I hope you choke.
My next dilemma is whether to order the Italian or the Reuben, and whether I can type in the comment box that I'll give Xxxx a ten dollar tip if he slows the fuck down.
Baker's Square, 13 March 2021
Would you believe I've never been to Baker's Square?
Well, I haven't.
It's like a Minnesotan Big Boy but with a shitty menu, which explains why there are only two in the state, according to Google Maps, while Big Boy flourished so much that it had to break into two separate chains, Bob's Big Boy and Frisch's Big Boy.
Man, I would choke a guy to get some Big Boy right about now. You know I've been going to My Burger and asking for a double cheeseburger with pickle, onion, and tartar sauce lately just to scratch that itch? It's under my skin, I've actually been talking to Kath about maybe road trippin' to Toledo when shit here in MPLS gets hairy.
That's right, the only thing that could make me go back to Toledo for just a long weekend, the wholesale collapse of MPLS, has finally become a possibility. My mother is probably having kittens right now.
ANYWAY, I had a hankering for some pecan pie because why wouldn't I?
Between two different hikes, Kath and I hit a Baker's Square because it's between the two parks we went to - Kath lost her goddamned breath at the sight of a corgi at the second park - and also because there were no Perkins aside from out in the 'burbs.
I had a pecan pie and a lemonade. I felt stereotypically southern.
The resulting sugar crash that evening on top of the day's hiking resulted in a fabulous sleep that night.
This marks our first Highland Park entry.
The Brothers Deli, 15 March 2021
Beware the Ides of March for they toll for - Wait, no, I'm mixing up two references. ANYhoo, I had a hankering for pastrami on Monday, Googled where I could get pastrami, and almost two and a half years later, found myself back at The Brothers Deli.
To write my shortest review to date, I simply ask this: How the fuck are you going to serve me cold pastrami?
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