Sometimes, the band you play bass in plays a headlining slot to an audience of (checks notes), huh, says here only one of the other bands on the bill, the bartender, a rando who came in for a beer, and Kafe Nasty on a school night and you don't get to bed until one thirty so you send your boss a text that you're taking a sick day because fuck that place anyway. And now that your time is your own and you don't have to deal with (checks notes), that's right, bullshit, you decide to check out a new-to-you place that somebody else reviewed on TikTok (which proves that TikTok can, indeed, be useful).
But can you be sure this is the right move?
You text Kafe Nasty and he says he hasn't been there and now you have to go there before he does just to spite the only person who came to see you play bass the night before.
And you want the salmon BLT but you might have salmon for dinner and you want the turkey avocado but you can't help but feel squigged out by it because you're sure the last time you got food poisoning was from deli poultry and you want the Italian but who the hell omits tomato but includes lettuce???
Now, later on, Kafe Nasty texted me, asking, "9/10?" and I had to tell him maybe more like an eight because I couldn't taste the pistachio, JBH.
But maybe it does get a nine because choosing this sandwich really was a high risk / reward scenario. You know how sometimes you get a...
Wait.
Before I...
Huh...
OK.
The real personality-driven web-series that focused on cult media that you supported on Patreon at the five dollar level but ended with no announcement after eight episodes and then after two months you were like, "What am I giving you five dollars a month for?" so you canceled your subscription even though you felt kind of bad about it but, hey, the deal was you give them five dollars a month and they produce one hour-long episode of scripted content with costumes and a set and puppets and real lighting and clips per month and they haven't made good on that for two months so now there's the question of what you're paying for but then they make a little bit of a comeback six months after that and you're ready to drop some money on them again but then they disappear again which is a bummer because you really liked that web-series was the focaccia.
You know how sometimes you get a focaccia and it's all dry and crumbly and it goes all over the place and you need to constantly drink water to keep your mouth from drying out? Or it's just less than stellar - still good but it's not going to make you cum (looking at you, Lucé). This was neither of those focaccias. This focaccia was wonderful, soft, warm, moist; I texted Kafe Nasty in the moment that this focaccia could inspire men to terrible things. So it's not the pistachio bomb the menu described but it was still really satisfying and I want to go back there soon and see what else their menu can do for me.
Also, the whole place is hockey'd out. For real, they even have a diorama of the Hansen Brothers from Slap Shot, the movie that made Paul Newman cuss.
Go give them your money.
Rio Basil Seed Drink, 10 August, 2025
I mean look at it.
This was delicious and the seeds had this jelly around them, some kind of membrane, so that no matter how you spun the bottle, they stayed in place.
Speedway, 10 August 2025
You know there was a point in my life when it wasn't embarrassing to like Greenday? This was not that point but, you know, nostalgia. This tasted more like green apple bubblegum but I wasn't complaining. So, if you like a Slurpee (Who doesn't?), get over to your 7 Eleven or 7 Eleven affiliate and grab one of these.
Skyway Pho, 6 August 2025
Do you know how easy it is to not screw up mock duck?
I know I've been harsh on Skyway Wok in the past and I stand by it even though I've warmed to their egg rolls; I'll get one or two when I need a little nosh.
Something I never noticed before, so maybe it's new, maybe I'm blind, is that the adjoining space to Skyway Wok in the Crossings building has been named Skyway Pho and Skyway Pho has bánh mì and one of their bánh mì options has mock duck.
I like me some mock duck. If I go to a (usually Thai) restaurant and they have mock duck on the menu, there's a high likelihood that I'll get mock duck. It's really hard to screw it up. I mean, sure, Lu's screwed up mock duck but Lu's went off-script years before that. I'll still eat a Lu but somebody else has to suggest it because it is rarely at the top of my list. They do OK work nowadays but they're nowhere near their former glory.
But this isn't about Lu's or other (usually Thai) restaurants, this is about Skyway Pho, which I should have been more cautious about approaching.
Firstly, their mock duck is loaded full of grilled onions. Why? Fucking why? I'm not ordering a grilled onion bánh mì. I'm ordering motherfucking mock duck. Is there such a scarcity of mock duck that they have to put in a filler? I will grant that grilled onions are better than that steamed mushroom horseshit that Lu's pulled (maybe still pulls, I don't know) but I'm not after a wad of grilled onions. I want some simply prepared and cooked mock duck.
Also the (actually very nice) lady basically used a mason's trowel to fill my bánh mì with mayonnaise so now I've got hot mock duck and hot onions heating up this pretty much hand-full of mayonnaise in the crook of my bun.
I won't lie to you, my little bullies, shit got weird fast. The rest of it was OK, though.
Can't recommend this one.
If you have a bánh mì craving, go to United Noodle.
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