It's a science fiction double feature!

Alternate title, "Chill out, it's just two sandwiches and both of them are... Eh."

Lite Bite, 13 January 2020

   I've classically given Lite Bite shit to the point where I'm not even sure I ever mentioned in our hallowed halls exactly what degree of livid I was that they had the hairy goddamned balls to charge me eight dollars for a fucking Carl Buddig turkey sandwich. I've even gone back and looked to see if I ever had. So upset was I that I just... didn't. You know, the way that Logan's past is so traumatic that his healing ability smoothed over that part of his memory.

   Nineties X-Men reference, motherfuckers.

   Understand that I didn't want to go back but, you know, a certain somebody has been recently diagnosed as dyspeptic and put under doctor's orders to eat smaller meals. So between the lowercase c chinese buffet, the sketchy KGB burger joint, the greasy pizza  place, and Jalapeño's, which is positively the worst burrito downtown (that opened in the space belonging to Oaxaca, who made the best burrito downtown), I was stuck with my lightest option: Lite Bite.

   I got their Italian Supreme: Ham, salami, provolone, lettuce, onion, tomato, and a sun-dried tomato mayonnaise on whole wheat.

   How did it taste?

   Like I could have made four of these fuckers myself for what I paid for it.

   It's not bad - in fact, it's far from the worst, which is a title that belongs to Sal's on Fifth - but, dude, if you're going to charge money... Maybe some Italian dressing or some peppers or something. Just make it better.

   I don't know. I only ate here because I figured it's what the doctor was talking about with the small portions.

   I'll recommend it if you're hard up and the doctor told you to eat smaller meals.

The Simple Sandwich, 16 January 2020

   OK, I know I - Wait, did I say I'd never go here again? Let me...

   Oh.

   Almost three years since I've eaten here and it was back when I was trying to be a nice person so people would like me.

   Well, those days are the fuck over.

   So I go to the Simple Sandwich after I see on their menu online that they put coleslaw on their Cubano and I'm all, "What?"

   It's certainly an interesting, uh, take. I mean, I had the Max's Cubano on Tuesday, a sandwich I've only slagged off in passing because they use sweet pickles, let's see what kind of trouble we can get into with coleslaw.

   So I get there and the guy at the counter asks me if I want a traditional Cubano with mustard and mayonnaise and I'm all, "Huh?" I tell him, no, hold the mayo, please, because I'm pretty sure there's mayo in the coleslaw.

   It takes them only a couple minutes to make this thing and I watch them put the tiniest stripe of coleslaw on it, foregoing the pickle entirely and then they hand me the fucking thing and I come back here and I eat it and I'm happy with it and the coleslaw doesn't bother me because coleslaw rarely bothers and I'm just at a point in my life where I'm not going to get my panties bunched over a mom & pop skyway deli trying to stand out among all the other mom & pop skyway delis by doing a zesty Minnesotan twist on a Floridian favorite. Somebody, like Kafe Nasty, is going to knock back two pints (nine hundred forty six and a third milliliters) of hard liquor and start slapping his fingers on the bar like a steering wheel drummer to yell, "Get outta heah! That aint a Cuban!" and that's just not where my head is. I don't fucking care. Of all the shit in my life I'm going to get upset about, like people saying "shredduce" or "garlic aioli" or thinking Joaquin Phoenix deserves an Oscar for being in Taxi Driver II: The Jokening (which, I don't even give a shit about that), throwing coleslaw instead of pickle on a double pork sandwich doesn't really register as something that's going to implode my solar system. I mean, it's one substitute ingredient, it's not like that nonsense B*wiched tried handing me and telling me was a Reuben (havarti, coleslaw, and mustard subbing for Swiss, sauerkraut, and thousand island).

   So, now that we've established my politics regarding this sandwich, how did it taste?

   It was fine, I guess. They gave me pickle on the side. I tried to put it on the sandwich but that interrupted the structural integrity so I had to take it back out.

   It just tasted like pork. With coleslaw on it. You can imagine that, I'm sure.

   Still can't recommend this place. I'll let you know if it got any better after I get back from going back in 2023.