I am perfectly aware that "Halloween Pub Crawl Lightning Round" sounds like an Always Sunny bit but my original title was "There Are No Sandwiches In Ireland" which would have made sense until I went to - Well, you'll see. And then I realized that I also had the third burger battle on my hands; you'll see that, too. And then, you know, treat the title like a Mad fold-in and you'll get the title of a recently critically re-assessed horror movie.
Trust me, bitch. It works.
Merlin's Rest, 31 October 2026
I realized last week that I'd never had a scotch egg, so I started looking for where I could get one and the one that wasn't unexpectedly expensive - Hey, Brit's Pub! Why's your shit US$16.95!? - was at Merlin's Rest on Lake Street. I biked over there, took a seat at the bar, waited for the bartender, flirted with the idea of a shot of Laphroaig (at ten fifty four in the am), and then the bartender came over and I order the scotch egg and a Murphy's Stout, which turned out to be a much nicer match to the egg than the peaty scotch would have been.
While I waited for my order, a couple in Vikings purple and gold came in and stood by the door until the bartender came over and asked him if he could change the TV from the soccer game to the football game and he told them there were certain things he was allowed to put on the TV. And then they wanted to know where they could go to watch the Vikings game. These people had come in to a British pub-themed place and waited for two and a half minutes to ask the bartender if he could break kayfabe for them.
OK.
The scotch egg was pretty fucking awesome and it was only seven bucks. The menu says it comes with spicy Coleman's mustard but that turns out to be some sort of thick Worchestershire. It wasn't brown sauce. I know this even though I've had brown sauce only once. In London. A vacation I once took that I never told anybody about.
It was a nice place in there. Scotch egg and an imported beer ran me US$14.87. Yeah, I still have the receipt in my pocket. Go give them your money.
Killen's Irish Pub, 31 October 2026
Before we get started, just want to point something out.
That one that looks like it has a bite taken out of it? Yeah, that's my bad.
You want to do me a solid and just ignore that?
While looking for scotch eggs, I also found another culinary treat that I've never had before: Reuben eggrolls. So I left Merlin's Rest to Killen's to get the reuben eggrolls, listed online as being eight dollars but my receipt - yeah, still have it - says they're ten dollars.
My bartender here was a beautiful redhead dressed in some sort of Imperial Storm Trooper pattern body suit. Vibe in the place was warm while well-lit but it's in the north loop so all of the American football games are on - NFL and college - at the same time and the only TV I can bother to look at is the one playing Friends. A show I hated in high school was now the least obnoxious thing on TV.
How were these? Well, they taste just like the Black Forest Inn's ham & sauerkraut balls (so maybe I need to try another joint) and their thousand island dipping sauce tasted like horsey mayo at first. Maybe I just don't dig their recipe.
These and a tap Guinness, because they didn't have Murphy's, cost me US$19.82. I could be easily talked into going back to this place but I mean somebody has to talk me into it.
Burger King, 1 November 2026
(And Wendy's, 4 August 2026)
Hey. Remember SuperPretzel?
I dug these when I was a kid. Today, I can't get into baked then frozen then baked again.
Anyway, SuperPretzel is the brand pretzel bun Burger King is using for their Game Day Pretzel Burger, which looks like this.
This is basically Burger King's way of saying, "We want to kill you." It's a Whopper patty with bacon, American cheese, nacho cheese, pickles, and crispy onions. The bun was recognizably SuperPretzel and everything was greasy as hell. Even compared to August's Pretzel Bacon Pub Burger from Wendy's which I never talked about but I actually liked. I ordered it twice (the second time with extra pickles) and it looked like this:
That was Dave's Single patty with bacon, Muenster cheese, beer cheese sauce and honey mustard, pickles, and crispy onions.
So, you know, one hundred percent different. But actually, yeah, different, because it wasn't greasy as hell nor did it have that baked then frozen then baked again texture of a SuperPretzel pretzel bun.
Anyway, BK's pretzel burger wasn't bad, I'm just never ordering it again because I already have high blood pressure. I can order the Wendy's version because, yeah, probably not any healthier but I can fool myself into thinking it's less worse.
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