So, like a week earlier, I pass by this coffee shop that I always pass by but I never go in because I'm not a coffee guy. Bit of a caffeine sensitivity. I went into a coffee shop once years ago after a brief flirtation with a barista who came into my book store and she hooked me up with a coffee and her phone number and then, when I tried to ask her out for dinner, she proceeded to text me exclusively in emoji. Anyway, after I'd gotten her number, I came back into the book store and my coworkers did the whole sitcom audience "ooohhh" thing and I said, "Yeah and you know what?"
And one of my coworkers asked, "What?"
And one of my coworkers asked, "What?"
I sipped my coffee. "I don't even drink coffee."
ANYhoo, nobody at FRGMNT flirted with me but I got curious and looked at their website and saw they had sandwiches, so I turn around from where I was in the skyway, head back, see their sandwiches are prepackaged in a cooler, so, OK, and I grab one and that day's date is on it. I think it was the twenty sixth. I take it up to the counter and ask big homie, "Do you know if this is the expiration date or the packaged date?"
He says he thinks it's the expiration date. "It was made yesterday."
I grimace and say, "Ugh, I've got a think about eating food on the expiration date. Thanks, though," and I put the sandwich back in the cooler and I leave.
And it bothers me that I'm this neurotic, you know? I eat leftovers all the time at home but I can't eat a day old deli sandwich?
No. No, I can't. Even at the Cub, when I peruse their deli sandwiches, I have to find the one made closest to that day's date because, as I'm sure everybody's sick of hearing by now...
I've Had Food Poisoning Twice
But then I got in my head about it and I went back last week and got their Salami Ricotta Ciabatta... That expired that day. It was ten dollars. I was really rolling the dice here. So I take it on the skyway, open it up, bite into it and... Where's the grimace emoji? Not Grimace from McDonalds...
Sadly, not Grimace from McDonald's.
...no, the facial expression, because this shit was dry as hell. I like whole wheat in theory but, damn, if that shit aint dryer than Nando's chicken. The salami was... there. I'll give it that. I'll give it points for showing up. Then they got this ricotta aioli which, according to the label, was just ricotta, vinegar, and salt. That was cold and creamy. It was dece. I could have used a lot more of it to fight the bread. Mayo came to the party. OK. Not enough Calabrian chilis, not enough arugula, and until I read the label, I would have never known there was lemon or fennel on this.
This is far away from the worst sandwich I've ever had but it's equally distant from the best. If you like coffee enough that you go to coffee shops (yes, I know how dumb that sounds), and you happen to go to this one and you get hungry while you're there, this is one of the sandwiches that are available that I can neither recommend or recommend against.
Arby's, 3 July 2026
I haven't had Arby's in about a year so can somebody give me the specific date and time when Arby's went from reliably just OK to flat out sucking?
That is the Classic Roast Beef. It is US$4.99. It is literally roast beef on a bun with nothing else. They actually ask you if you want sauce. You say what kind you would like and they give you packets that you have to put on your-damned-self. All of this would be forgivable if this wasn't the driest roast beef I've ever had. Five bucks for a little dry sandwich. Kiss my ass, Arby's.
In this scene, I will be played by Samuel L. Jackson and Arby's will be played by Robert De Niro,
Panchero's, 3 July 2026
Same day, I find myself adrift in Golden Valley. I stop in at Panchero's. Haven't been there in a minute. I'm still salty about Arby's. So I get two tacos for US$7.50. I got chicken, pico, and corn. Panchero's is always solid, so I do suggest you go here instead of Chipotle. I mean, that's it. I really just took this pic to text to Kath because she loves Panchero's but then I just... didn't. So I figured I would use it here.
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