Well, I told you back in December that I was taking the coldest months off and then that El Niño just kept trucking through January until we had a polar vortex (on my fucking birthday) and I had to tighten the old belt around then (figuratively and literally; I'm down to fourteen stone - no, you look it up) and then all the bad winter shit decided to hit during February with just one snow storm after another.
But pitchers are reporting for spring training and it's no different here at the offices *snort* of Sandwich Bully, so drag out the tees and wiffle bats, because we're just going to - Wait. If there's a tee, then we've fucked up our metaphor about pitchers reporting and...
Well, shit, it's not like you haven't read this train wreck before.
Let's just kick the shit out of some chain franchises.
Keep in mind these are just the ones I've been to. I know somebody's going to crawl up my ass and die because I aint saying shit about Capriotti's but I aint ever been there so, you know, maybe crawl up somebody else's ass and die.
Also, you'll note the number of people in this post who aren't Kafe Nasty.
Arby's
I have a complicated relationship with Arby's, much the same way I have a complicated relationship with the oeuvre of Sam Peckinpah.
Arby's is a "friend of the bully", obviously we're opening up this post with Irrationally-Upset-About-New-Arby's-Menu-Items Donny Osmond.
My friend, Cassie, used to like going there because, while she is gluten intolerant and a vegan, she can have the curly fries. Also, about the only time she could get me to shut up about baseball or Italian horror movies was when I was eating a Grand Turkey Club.
I also used to work with this kid, Noah, who has celiac and diabetes and would order the classic roast beef and eat just the beef in a wad. I would eat his buns.
...
I like how that works on multiple levels.
...
And then there's me, the lactose intolerant pescatarian / pollotarian who has to eat salty ham things for his doofus ass sandwich blog. Basically, Arby's caters to people with restricted diets.
I like their turkey. My go to, after I started really looking after my health, is the beef & cheddar, sub turkey, hold red ranch (explain to me what the fuck "red ranch" is), add crispy onions. So it's basically turkey with Velveeta and onion strings on an onion bun. I also like their crispy chicken, their fish sandwich, their turkey sammies, and their Loaded Italian, that last one being the sort of thing my doctor would tell me is something I can enjoy only in moderation.
A lot of their specialty stuff is...
Well, it's like this. If you lived in Atlantic City, Wyoming (not a typo), and you never had a Reuben from a real deli, you would think the Arby's Reuben was fantastic. However, if you have been exposed to the genuine article, the Arby's Reuben is passable if your coworker has a BOGO coupon and hooks you up.
Their gyro? That was the worst five dollars I've ever spent and I say that all these years later.
The downtown Arby's was the best because it was the cheapest lunch downtown and they all knew me by name and I knew plenty of theirs and Ashley and Tiffany and Clarinda and I think his name was Anthony were the best but it's gone now and I have to rely on Subway coupons.
Blimpie
Not sure if I've ever had Blimpie - I must have, I think I have, it seems like a place my mom would've taken me to - but it was the crux of one of the best 30 Rock episodes.
Erbert & Gerbert
Homeboy at work, Ken Money, eats Erbert & Gerbert for lunch every day and he's proud of that shit.
This is the fancy version of Jimmy John's. "You want some sun-dried tomato and pesto aioli on your turkey sandwich? Here's some sun-dried tomato and pesto aioli on your turkey sandwich."
Only thing I don't get is why they scoop the fucking bread out of the fucking sandwich and then wrap up the scooped out fucking bread on top of the fucking sandwich. Jesus Christ, guy, just leave the fucking bread in the fucking sandwich. Why do you have to complicate shit?
Jersey Mike's
Only thing I remember about the one time I was at Jersey Mike was the goofball kid behind the counter saw my bike helmet and assumed I rode a motorcycle. Just talked real goofy. Either he was stupid or just goofing off and I can't blame him for either. If he was dumb, he couldn't help it; if he was goofing off... Well, when I was his age and stuck running a cash register during weekday lunch shift at a suburban sandwich shop, I would've treated the front counter like my own personal stand up show, too.
Don't remember how the sandwich tasted. I remember the Italian dressing dripping on the wrapper and for having that much dressing on it... If I can't remember how it tasted, that dressing must have been bland as fuck.
Jimmy John's
I boycotted Jimmy John's for a while after that unfuckable bastard decided he liked shooting lions but then I lost my job and started working a lesser-paying job across a parking lot from one and that was pretty much the only thing I had to eat unless I wanted a microwave burger from the CVS. That broke my one-man boycott that nobody but me cared about.
Pink City Mikey hipped me that they started putting pickles on their sandwiches a few years ago, which I feel was the only thing missing from their sandwiches; that acidity and crunch. Bread's good, mayo is Hellman's, I opt for the Grey Poupon for mustard. Otherwise not notable for much.
I tried to eat the Gargantuan the afternoon after I woke up with whiskey barfs and that was not happening. I mean I made it happen but it was a challenge.
Milio's
I think I got excited to try them because they looked like Jimmy John's but with pickles before Jimmy John's started putting pickles on their sandwiches. I don't remember anything else about them.
My guy, Nio, used to work there. He said the "Jimmy John's but with pickles" description was accurate.
I have no recollection of what I ordered or how it tasted.
Potbelly
Potbelly is fine if you have anti-acids on hand; anywhere from forty five minutes to two hours after you eat a Potbelly, you'll be reminded that you had Potbelly.
It's not bad, it's just uninspired. They'll roll out a limited time sandwich and it's like somebody in the marketing department heard about this one sandwich one time and had an intern look it up on Wikipedia and order the base ingredients from Sysco to be sent to the test kitchen where a possibly underpaid chef who was promoted only because the last two quit in rapid succession looks at the order come in after reading the email from corporate and hands the special vinaigrette over to the sous chef's unpaid intern whose been there only three days. Nothing about a Potbelly sandwich indicates that anybody at all in the organization gives a silent fart over how the sandwich tastes in the end.
ANYhoo, Potbelly was giving out pity cookies on Valentine's Day to anybody who went through the line alone because the assumption would be that they were single and I was like, "Whatever," but then I saw that they had a limited time cheesesteak that used Cheez Whiz and I was like, "Bet," and then I got to the Potbelly by the office and the gal at the counter asked me if I wanted to try the new somethingorother and I was like, "I was interested in that cheesesteak," and she said, "We actually ran out," and I was like, "OK, thanks, anyway," and she looked at me funny as I just left because the pity cookie would be a nice novelty but I don't give a snot rocket about a cookie, I want a goddamned cheesesteak and how do you run out of a sandwich at a sandwich shop!? That's some Lu's level shit.
Quizno's
Would you believe that I've been to a Quizno's only once and that it was only because the drummer in my old band, Bob The Frenzy, got hungry and that's what he picked? I don't remember what I had. I don't remember the last time I looked at their menu to see if the sandwiches even look good. I remember the long argument in the van over whether it was pronounced "cooznose" (my side) or "kwiznose" (his side). This argument continued at the drummer's apartment with his room mate, James (who took his side and also wound up playing in a band with my brother, Joe, and if you think my friends have some weird nicknames, Joe called James "Jimbo" and I was all, "Th'fuck is the matter with you, guy?"). Our bassist, Karl, didn't care.
You can pick a side in that argument but I won't care unless you're one of the four people in my life whose opinion I give a shit about.
Rax
Rax was this weirdo Arby's competitor / copycat that I would be surprised if I learned was still around. (Googled: It does and I was surprised.) It was, I guess, the same thing as eighties-nineties Arby's, so the focus was just on roast beef and everybody was happy with that. I think I read a Cracked article that said their downfall was falling into the salad bar craze and never recovering. (?) I don't know, Wendy's used to have a salad bar and they came out alive. No idea what the fuck happened to Rax, though. I might have had them when I was single-digits young, it seems like the kind of thing my mom would have taken me to. They had an alligator mascot.
Schlotzkey's
I think my mom took me to a Schlotzkey's once.
No, that's really - that's it.
Subway
My guy, BC, loves the 'way. Or at least he ate it at work when he wasn't eating a Starkist tuna pouch on day old Jimmy John bread, which, hey, is frugal and healthy. He seemed unfazed upon learning that Subway's bread was made of yoga mats. That shit grossed me out.
Subway is actually kind of expensive, so it's the kind of place I go to when I have a coupon. I like the club and the meatball marinara but it doesn't matter because all the sandwiches taste the same to me since I don't get any leafy greens, tomato, or cucumber - the veggies that collect bacteria well. I get the pickled veggies, the olives, the onion and green pepper, which all seem to be resistant to bacteria.
If I get the BMT for lunch, I taste it after dinner.
Tubby's
When I was a young'un, hand-me-down clothes were what we got. And I got a t-shirt for Tubby's in one of the Glad Bags one time and I never wore it because it had this weird mascot that looked like the Michelin Man and a Hans Bellmer doll had a baby and it was riding a surfboard. (Not that I knew who Hans Bellmer was at that age.)
Never ate there.
Which Wich
Only reason I went was because I found a completed loyalty card - buy ten, get one - in a desk drawer at work and gave them a shot.
They got a fucked up ordering system where I can't just tell a motherfucker what I want, I have to go down a goddamned checklist and fill out my own ticket and I still have to wait in line to hand it to somebody.
Suck my dick, Which Wich, you can burn in hell.
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