A Tale of Two Tie-Ins: SpongeBob Squarepants at Wendy's, 8 October 2024 and The Addams Family at Burger King, 12 October 2024

 

    I'm a sucker for a tie-in, aren't you?

    Anyway, there's no clean way to start this and the end is going to be just as messy, meine kleine tyrannjugend. And we're talking about fast food joints, anyway. It's not like this is going to be a huge revelatory expose on an over-looked mom & pop greasy spoon. We're talking about two giants in the fast food game. If you live in North America, you've been to either one or both of these. You're probably wondering, "Charlie, why the fuck are you covering Wendy's and Burger King?"

    I'll say the answer is two-fold.

    Firstly: Fuck you.

    Secondly: I'm sucker for a tie-in, aren't you?

    Let's start with Wendy's Krabby Patty, which, according to TikTokers, I'm not supposed to buy because Stephen Hillenburg, a cool guy into marine life and children's education, didn't want SpongeBob SquarePants linked to fast food. Like the food itself, not the other parts surroun- We'll get to that in a minute.

    Now, the Wendy's Krabby Patty has come out nearly six years after his death so he's unable to protest it, just like he's unable to defend his rationale for being chill I guess with the 2006 line of SpongeBob toys in the BK kids meals (that you have to order the food to get) or defend his claim that SpongeBob working at the Krusty Krab was meant to be ironic.

    Side note: I'm not a SpongeBobsman but I've warmed up to the show through Kath, so she did laugh at me like I was a dumb dummy when I kept calling the Krusty Krab "Mister Krabs'", which I will defend as technically correct since Mister Krabs does own the Krusty Krab, therefore it is Mister Krabs'.

    Fuck every single one of you. Wait until you get some Ren & Stimpy lore wrong. I'm going to buttfuck you lubeless.

    Anyway, Stephen Hillenburg being, you know, not here, I can't really jump on his ass but I can jump on the people on social media who insist I'm turning him over in his grave by purchasing the Krabby Patty. The Krabby Patty that I bring to my partner. My partner who loves SpongeBob.

    "But, Charlie," some of you may protest, "Hillenburg didn't want children to eat unhealthy -"

    Hold it right there. First of all, my partner is not a child.

    Secondly, the thing is the size of a Classic Single (or even a Classic Double). It's intended for adults. If you have a six year old who can tank a Classic Single, your child is obese and that's your fucking fault.

    Thirdly, I'm aware of how unhealthy fast food is. But since I cook all my meals, eat vegetarian three to four nights per week, and exercise daily, I think I'll be OK with eating fast food once a month. Which is probably the limit for how often a person should be eating it anyway.

    ANY

    FUCKING

    HOO

    So the big release date arrives, Kath has to work, and I decide, because I'm a boyfriend, to do boyfriend shit and pick her up a Krabby Patty after I get off from work. Why not? It's literally on my way home and she works only four blocks from the apartment.

    I get to her restaurant while it's still chill and give her her Krabby Patty and I enjoy my Krabby Patty and she says the Mister Krabs' Secret Sauce (or whatever it's called, you can keep reading after you're done laughing at me) gives it a little tangy kick and I swear on a stack of Alice Cooper forty fives that this just tastes like a Dave's Classic Single (makes sense, everything else about this is literally the Dave's Classic Single). She says yeah but the sauce is different. So now I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm not tasting this secret sauce.

    In fact, I so don't taste this secret sauce that I went back on the goddamned eleventh and got another one (this time in the meal) and I still didn't taste the fucking sauce. I don't know, maybe you should never trust another thing I ever have to say.

    HOWEVER, I will say the Pineapple Under The Sea Frosty was pretty good. Would have been nice if I got that cool box in the photo above but, you know, there's a Rolling Stones song we can reference here to address my disappointment in not receiving things.

    And then I learned about Burger King's Addams Family tie-in and I was like, "Wha?"

    Don't get too excited, it's just a purple bun. Like I knew that before I even got the thing but that didn't stop me from biking down to the Burger King on Hiawatha and getting that with the Thing's Rings (that are just "Onion Rings" on the receipt) and the Churro Fries.

    Is there a long thing about this? No.

    Charles Addams was apparently cool, too. He didn't live to see Raul Julia and Anjelica Huston play Gomez and Morticia so he certainly had no quotes about fast food that people are going to shove in your face for trying to enjoy a thing as stupid as food coloring in a bun. Which is all the Wednesday Whopper offers. But then you see headlines like this:

    Yeah? Well, I read those articles so you don't have to and they're both by the same "author" and, whew, lover! This dude sounds like a pissy-pantied princess. Like, my guy, it's fast food. What did you think these were going to be like? "Oh, the Krabby Patty tastes like a fast food burger!"

    No shit? So, like, exactly what it is on SpongeBob SquarePants? A fast food burger that tastes like - hold on to something - a fast food burger because - take my hand - it's a fast food burger on the show? The hell you say, you sumbitch. You've just ruined my life.

    And then - Oh, god. Look out. For real, grab a railing, sit down, take deep breaths, we're going to get through this panic attack together. You and me, chum, it's you and me, we're going in deep. This is going to be a bigger journalistic expose than Woodward and Bernstein could have hoped for: Wednesday's Whopper...[exhales sharply] tastes like a Whopper [shakes head in disbelief] which is probably why [jitters and moans in an anxious manner] it's called a Whopper. You blew the lid off of this conspiracy! You told the world that it's just a purple bun.

    What the fuck was it supposed to taste like!?!? Christina Ricci!?!? Chill your shit out. It's just a fun thing. A purple bun. I even took a picture of it. I showed it to Kath. She said it was cute. It's just a fun fucking thing and you got to write an article with a headline like, "I took this bullet for you." Sit the fuck down.

    [deep breath]

    OK, now we can continue with this in a civilized manner.

    Yeah, it was a Whopper. No big deal. But those churro fries were the kitty's titties.

    If you like a Dave's Classic Single or a Whopper, you know, uh, get these. They're not bad. They're just like regular menu items. They just have funny names attached. And they're actually kind of the same thing, anyway. That's all. I can't tell you to give these billion dollar businesses your money as any kind of endorsement but I will say they're limited time offerings. You want to say you've had a Krabby Patty or a purple Whopper? Knock yourself out. I can't see anybody being impressed by that but, you know, fun things. Get them while they last. You'll be the star by the water cooler for twenty seconds.

    Will I get them again? Eh, probably the Krabby Patty before the Wednesday Whopper but that's because, as I mentioned, Wendy's is on my way home from work. For real, it's only three blocks from the apartment. Of the three Burger Kings in Minneapolis, according to Google Maps, each one is about four miles from the apartment and we're running out of good biking weather here so any chance at getting a second Wednesday Whopper is, you know, slim. But I liked both of these alright.

    Go out there and do some fun things. Fuck the haters.