Earlier, this week, the guy who comes in on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays to help out, saw me looking at an article about the student debt relief plan - which negatively impacts nobody, by the way - to see if there was a chance I could get anything since my student loans are private. And what does this kid say? He starts off with, "Did you hear what T___p said about -"
I snapped at him, "I don't care what T___p says."
A little rude of me, sure, but I don't care what a former president has to say about anything and you shouldn't either because he's not president anymore.
And, believe me, Kath could tell you, I could wax on and on about policy and medias foreign and domestic but that's not why you come here, мои милые маленькие хулиганы, no, you come here for sandwich chat and that's what I intend to deliver, even if I am paying off nine and a half kay to a parasitic financial company until I'm fifty years old or so for a degree that I've used only to bullshit my way through job interviews.
Anyway, I felt bad for snapping at "The Kid"...
Motherfucker.
There's a trail parallel to the one I was on but it goes over the fucking lake. Like a long as bridge / boardwalk scenario. I tell him, "Huh, well, now I have to see that one, too. I'll do it this weekend."
And then Friday comes around. I work half-days on Fridays, I think I told you that. And usually on Friday, I go see Zak and Gina at the Simple Sandwich and get a half roast beef on rye with cheddar, onions, and extra horseradish. But I wasn't feeling it that day. I could have gone seen Dave down't Walkin' Dog and gotten a Vienna Polish but I'd have been tasting that all night. And I think, "Fuck it, I'll go check out that new (to me) trail," and look for lunch spots on Glenwood, maybe I'll get something there, and one place, I can't see their site because their site is Facebook and I (I swear this is true) don't have the security clearance for Facebook. But then I see Wendy's House of Soul, which, man, I don't know about soul food. Soul food doesn't exactly scream something light and easy for a ten mile bike ride but then I see that a good deal of their menu is comprised of something called Soul Rolls, which are really just very fancy eggrolls and I like me some eggrolls and then I see it.
Cue Spandau Ballet's "True"
So now there's no question as to where I'm going for lunch. This... genius, Wendy, put a fucking kielbasa in an eggroll with cheese sauce? Yeah, I admit, I don't know what her hot mess is but she put my favorite sausage in an eggroll with my secret Achille's heel condiment? OK, she has earned my money just like that.
I mean, actually, my favorite condiment is tzatziki, then it's tartar sauce, then it's nacho cheese but you get me. She paired my favorite sausage with my number three favorite condiment. Still has me biking over there, in the Harrison neighborhood, marking our first Harrison entry.
So I'm on Glenwood, headed toward this new (to me) trail, looking out for Wendy's House of Soul, and I nearly miss it because there's no signage on the corner unit of this strip-mall-esque building aside from the window decals letting you know there are burgers and soul rolls in this building. I pull over and look for bike parking and it's across the street at this bike & coffee shop. I lock up, head in, and place my order, forgetting to ask what hot mess is, figuring I'll roll the dice. What could it be? It's in an eggroll-ish delivery parcel, certainly it must be cabbage, carrot, and rice, right? I also get myself an orange Faygo and sit down and wait for my order - to-go by default, there's no indoor seating - in a chair under a TV playing Moesha, a show I know had existed but had never watched; I thought it was a teen show but it sounded pretty adult drama-y. Looking it up, it ran from ninety six to oh one, so from when I was fifteen to when I was twenty, when all I watched, really, was Seinfeld and NewsRadio.
My order is ready, I thank the cashier, tuck my food in my bag, and head on my way to Wirth Park, where I've been scores of times, to find this trail I had missed all those scores of times. But first, I needed a picnic table.
I found one, sat down, pulled out the food in the picture above and looked inside and...
Oh, no.
Wendy's Hot Mess is giardiniera.
Giardiniera.
With my IBS?
Well, it's a good thing I had antacids on me.
I ate the left half first and here's the only negative thing I will say about my Holy Polish Soul Roll: The kielbasa casing was so tough that trying to bite through it meant I pulled it out of the Soul Roll wrapper, leaving the cheese and giardiniera behind. So I had to fight the kielbasa with teeth and fingers to just get a bite.
But, boy, what a bite.
The kielbasa was garlicky and savory, the cheese had that creamy and salty flavor, and the giardiniera was too hot for me - I'm a mild man - but the peppers were still crisp and firm. So you have Poland, America, Italy, and Asia all in one bite and it works. I knew when I saw they had chicken and waffles that I was probably going to take Kath there but after eating half a Soul Roll (and two antacids and that's just because of me, not the establishment), I knew I was definitely taking Kath there.
I feel like it's been a minute since I vouched hard for a place. Have I even done that this season? I know I've vouched for some places but with reservations. Well, whether I have or not yet, I will vouch for this place unreservedly and just cut to the point right now and tell you to give them your money.
I ate the other half of my Soul Roll when I got home, with a knife and fork to combat that obstinate kielbasa casing and also finally used the sweet & sour sauce that came with my Soul Roll. I found that method much more enjoyable. I think my next Soul Roll will probably be the Nature variety, stuffed with broccoli, cabbage, carrot, and garlic with Wendy's Special Sauce. I don't know what her sauce is but it can't be bad. Or maybe I'll get the Soul Food Sunday special (which is odd because they aren't open Sundays) which is turkey, dressing, yams, greens, and mac & cheese for twelve bucks according to the menu. Twelve bucks for all that. That's a fucking deal. That's like a Thanksgiving meal. For twelve bucks. They've got a cheese steak. They've got a fucking veggie burger. They've got potato and I'm a slut for potato salad. I think we may have established that before.
And, yeah, I know that's off-road, there, talking about everything else on the menu but what else can I say about this Soul Roll I had? I thought half was the perfect serving size for somebody on the go like me. I liked the kielbasa but I can't go too into detail with it as it was slathered in cheese. I could make out pork, fat, garlic, salt, and paprika all well balanced but any other flavors were obscured by the cheese sauce. I'm not going to describe cheese sauce to you; you are an adult and you should know what the fuck cheese sauce is at this point in your life. Yes, even if you're lactose intolerant. I'm lactose intolerant and I know what cheese sauce is. You think I'm not lactose intolerant? Come see how many times I'm in the bathroom after I have a bagel with extra cream cheese. Giardiniera? Maybe you don't know what that's like so I'll tell you right now, if you ever have soggy, limp, or just plain soft giardiniera, you've had bad giardiniera. This giardiniera is legit. Could use maybe more carrot and cauliflower bits but it did it's job, especially the way the oil keeps the heat clinging to your lips. And even after sitting in a plastic tub for a half hour, that egg wrapper stayed crisp. Maybe a little softer on the inside now but the outside was clearly perfectly deep fried as it was still flaky and crackly.
Again, just based on one to-go order, I heartily encourage you to go check out Wendy's House of Soul. I'm going back. How many times this season have I said that I was going back to a place? Right, maybe I did at some point but Wendy's House of Soul is good enough that it's actually made me forget those other lame-ass jerk-off places. Go. Give them your money.
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