And welcome back to sseeaassoonn ffiivvee of Sandwich Bully, that means we can finally drop all pretense and break out this .gif to celebrate season five.
Sandwich Bully Season FFFIIIVVVEEE, YEAH! Season FFIIVVEE, YEAH! Seasoned tarts are coming on rye in Sandwich Bul- What? This is season six?
But I had the .gif all picked out for... Six? Are you sure? I mean, I was looking forward to this. There's no vintage nineties rock .gifs related to six. It's five.
No, wait, let me... OK, so season one was... twenty sixteen which means... godamnit.
Can I please use the White Zombie .gif? I mean I know it's five and this is six but... No, I want to use... WHO FUCKING CARES!?!? Nobody reads this thing! I should be able to use a five .gif if I - No, fuck you, this is season five. Yeah, sure, it's six but it's five.
No, you know what? This is too early to start season six. This is like the special features for season five.
Will you just let me have this? It took me a whole minute to find that .gif.
ANYhoo, Kath and I are over at her sister and brother-in-law's one night last week, settling in to tuck into some Potbelly and watch Drag Race when... OK, what do we call him? I mean, almost everybody here has some kind of nickname. What do we call the brother-in-law? BIL? Like Public Image Limited but instead of PIL it's BIL?
It took me at least four minutes to make that.*
So, BIL, as we'll call him in the meantime, he hears my tale of woe when it comes to how there are no more Arby's in Minneapolis. He tells me about this joint in Roseville (The Rose City that isn't Portland) called Maverick's which has a lot of the same menu items as Arby's but they're just better.
I look at the menu online and, yyuupp, the first two items are a roast beef and a beef and cheddar. I show these to Kath. She's into it.
Friday, I'm at work and I ask my coworker who's never seen E.T. if she's ever been to Maverick's not because I don't trust BIL and... OK, now what do I call Kath's sister? I mean they have this thing in their family where they call each other by the first initial but I can't call her H because that's what the DARE officer told us they called heroin on the streets back when I was in junior high and even though I have never in my life met a heroin user who called heroin "H", it wouldn't feel right to -
Look, season six five is bringing in a whole new cast of characters because Kafe Nasty just hasn't been as active lately and Soft Kathryn is now Kath and you're just going to have to get used to it. Like when Wolverine went from the blue and gold suit to the brown and gold suit in the eighties or like when Storm joined the Morlocks.
So BIL and Aitch, I guess we're going with Aitch, they both vouched for Maverick's and I figured, I don't know, in the interest of workplace conversation, I would ask my coworker who's never seen E.T. about it and she goes nuts and hands me some coupons. So now I have to talk Kath into going to Roseville on a Friday night (so much action you can't hold back your nut).
There's some back and forth and we put in our order. I'm getting the beef and cheddar (on a pretzel bun, ooh) with onion rings and potato salad (I'm a slut for potato salad) and Kath is getting the roast beef (after a soul challenging internal debate over whether she wanted to get a buffalo chicken sandwich) with the onion rings and tater cakes. Yes, they have tater cakes.
Just like Arby's.
So enough with the fucking stories how was it?
Well, I will say this: COVID is a fucker when it comes to food quality.
We could have dined in by the state regulations but neither of us is comfortable with that just yet so we got it to go. So the knock to the overall quality is not Maverick's fault. It would've been better if we had dined in and the onion rings were still crispy fresh and the roast beef piping hot. The flavors were still there and I could tell what these would have been had we had them brought to a table rather than chilling in styrofoam for the fifteen minutes back to the crib after sitting on the counter for ten minutes, I'm sure.**
The roast beef was still really tender and savory without the seasoning overpowering the meat's natural metallic highs and fatty lows - nor was the meat too fatty, the onion rings were still semi-sweet and the breading, though softened by sitting in a styrofoam clam shell was still firm, the horseradish was on point though I could always use a lot more - like assume you know me and what I mean by "a lot more" and you're not even ten percent of the way there, champ - the cheese sauce was smooth and flowing in texture and creamy in flavor and, I think, spiked with jalapeños for a little kick, the potato salad... Look, I just don't understand the Minnesotan compulsion to sweeten the potato salad. It's just fucking weird. If I dock any points off Maverick's, it's a ½ point for sweetening their potato salad. I'm from Ohio. We don't do that kind of weird shit there.
So maybe this assessment would be more fair after the COVID goes away and we can do dine-in but we did both like what we had. We agreed that we would go there again, soon. Maybe even when it warms up we can go there, grab a to-go, and hit the nearest green space to get the full Maverick's experience. So I'll say give them your money because I know that what we had was supposed to be great. It's just COVID is a fucker.
* No, really, I had to go through my font library - fuck you, I have a font library. You know, I did have a life before writing this goddamned thing. So I have a font library and it was already bugging me that it was taking me at least three minutes to sift through my sans serif typefaces to find the right weight and then the one that would italicize at the right angle. Let me tell you about the Franklin Gothics and the Helveticas: they italicize too far, so my ass resorted to Arial Narrow Bold like some kind of basic bitch only because it didn't italicize too far enough so that way I wouldn't disturb the graphic. Look, fuck you, name me one goddamned Public Image Limited song, no Google.
** Toasttab said our order would be ready for pickup in nine minutes and it took us about fifteen to get there.
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