Northbound Smokehouse & Brewpub, 24 July 2020

   I'm not going to sugarcoat this, Northbound will not be getting my money again.

   See, Kath and I were celebrating our anniversary and she wanted the elote dog from Hamburguesas El Gordo so we got there and, this being the night before the governor's mask mandate went into effect, there was a line out the door of people, half of whom were unmasked and there was a sign on the door that said there was a three person limit which five people chose to ignore and the long line meant that staff there were overwhelmed already and couldn't get people to wait outside.

   So Kath looked for restaurants in the area and Northbound was the closest one. We drove over there and I put the order in on my phone for her Reuben, my fried chicken sandwich, and an order of chili cheese fries to split.

   I masked up, walked up to the building, and saw a crowded patio of unmasked patrons, went inside to find order pickup was done on the honor system - a table with a chalkboard next to it instructing you to take the bag with your name (same bullshit Pancho's uses) - and diners inside, sitting at the bar, you know, just a little irresponsible.

   And I say a little completely sarcastically.

   Mine was the only to-go order and it took five minutes for it to come out. It was another five minute drive back to my place.

   Let's just skip right to the bullshit:

   Kath had to eat her Reuben upside down and open-faced because the "bottom" slice of bread was inedibly wet.

   I opted to get crispy onions on my sandwich which were served on the side which isn't the biggest deal but, come on, just put them on the fucking sandwich. Arby's puts them on the fucking sandwich.

   But then came the most egregious...

   Buckle up and fix a cocktail, meine kleine tyrannjugend.

   Here's a point-by-point breakdown of the chili cheese fries:

   1: The fries were wimpy. Limp, damp, wimpy. Not even sure they were seasoned.

   2: The chili, served in a cup next to the fries, was not the typical chili sauce like on a coney dog, no, it was the goddamned stew. Chili. Like the kind you eat out of a bowl on a cold winter day or out of a fucking pail over a fire like some kind of fucking cowboy. A stew.

   3: The green onion sour cream? Well, because that cup was wedged between the hot-ass fries and the hot-ass soup, it was now a runny mess which makes me wonder: Pizza Luce serves sour cream with their baked potato pizza. That cup comes in the box with a whole hot-ass pizza and is still chilled and firm. So what was the nature of this sour cream before going in the box?

   4: And, lastly, most unforgivably, the cheese.

   I bet you were wondering what the picture was up top. Here, take another gander.

   That's the cheese. Let's talk about the cheese.

   First, that quantity couldn't cover a half-dozen fries. That quantity couldn't accommodate a single breadstick. Somebody at Northbound expects that will cover a box of fries with chili on top. Either that or somebody at Northbound thinks their customers are idiots.

   Secondly, the quality. You and I are looking at the same fucking thing: Kraft shredded cheddar microwaved into a solid fucking disc. I'm going to say it again: Kraft shredded cheddar microwaved into a solid fucking disc. I'm going to say it a third time: KRAFT SHREDDED CHEDDAR MICROWAVED INTO A SOLID FUCKING DISC.

   I paid fifty dollars for this meal where other places I would've paid half that and I would have gotten a full cup of Velveeta sauce for my chili cheese fries, which would have been crispy and seasoned and not accompanied by fucking soup. The more I think about it, the more I wish Kath and I would have gone to Arby's which isn't the most romantic anniversary dinner but at least she could have eaten her Reuben closed, the onion straws would have been on my chicken sandwich, and the cheese for our fries wouldn't have come in a greasy fucking solid disc.

   You know how rare it is for me to get mean around here. Most times, I don't like something, I either get constructive or I don't bring it up. This time, however, is egregious. It's not that I can't recommend this place, it's that I recommend against this place. You will literally feel better about the money you spend and the quality of food you eat if you go to Arby's which has all the menu items listed in this review (if you count the Loaded Curly Fries as a substitute for the chili cheese fries) for half the damned price.

   If there's anything nice to say about Northbound, it's that Kath said the meat on her Reuben was good.