First impressions of Vellee Deli…
One of the guys from family court asked me how Greek Grill & Cafe was this morning and told me about Vellee Deli, this joint that does Asian - Mexican fusion cuisine. I look it up and it turns out they have banh mis.
Shit is on like the King of Donkeys.
You see, it’s Georgie’s fault that I’m a reuben hound and it’s Keith’s fault that I like banh mis. Now, reubens, when I find a good one, I’m in heaven, but this is Minnepolis; I can throw a rock and hit nine reuben vendors, chances are I’ll get a good one.
Banh mis are a little harder to come by and you usually have to know someone who’s been to a place before you have (like me, I know Keith) to find a good one. Pho Hoa does an awesome chicken one but their pork varieties are so-so. Lotus A Go Go has a really good paté but the bread’s too chewy for me. Lu’s went off-script a while ago with shrinking meat portions and then those fuckers took the fries off the menu… I LOVED you, Lu’s, and you broke my heart. My Huong currently rules Whittier with its beef banh mi.
But finding a banh mi joint downtown? Good luck.
So now I know there is one, now I have to know about it. Like when I went to B'wiched or however you spell it because of their pastrami sandwich; I had to know.
So I walk inside and the decor? Well, it’s hip. I’ll say that. It’s like if you walk into Glamdoll and the staff have removed their pancake makeup, concealed their tattoos, put their hair under ballcaps, and didn’t wear the vintage Donna Reed dresses. Everybody is chipper, friendly, and enthusiastic about what they’re serving. I asked if the BBQ pork banh mi was any good and my cashier’s eyes went wide and she assured me, “It’s REALLY good. You’re going to like it.”
And then BAM! I was rung up for $8.81. (Then there was a two dollar tip.) (What? I may be cheap, I may be an asshole, but I’m not a cheap asshole. Tip, ferfucksake.)
Now, in my hood, a banh mi should never run more than four bucks (fucking Lu’s going off-script at $4.95), so I’m standing there, waiting for my sandwich to be made by a college-aged woman no doubt working between classes and hoping, HOPING that this sandwich that elsewhere costs half of what I just paid is good. I try to justify this inflated cost as a downtown price. I think the junior sandwiches at Arby’s are 40¢ cheaper than downtown in uptown.
Anyway, they call my name and hand me my sandwich and I smile and thank them and get on my bike and come back to the office and unwrap my sandwich and, no shit, this is the biggest banh mi I’ve ever seen and it’s chock full of meet like a Crescent Moon gyro or a Jerusalem’s shawarma. They aren’t fucking around, this Vellee. Already, I felt that the $8.81 was justified.
How did it taste? The meat was great. The paté? I couldn’t tell. The cilantro and jalapeño tasted like they were supposed to. I find some fault in the veggies, though. First, there’re no fucking daikons. I’m about ready to call the president of banh mis and report a fucking hatecrime for that. Then there are the carrots and cucumbers. The carrots are shredded wisp thin and piled on and the cucumbers are big thick strips like french fries. Neither of these is bad. But whatever they pickle these in tastes like that fucked up coleslaw from Keys or whoever it was that gave me some fucked up coleslaw that was supposed to be fancy. It was like the pickled cabbage on the sandwiches at B'wiched, that kind of fucked up. Where you wonder what the fuck you’re supposed to do with it when it comes on the side because it’s fucked up and when it’s on the sandwich you’re opening up the sandwich and looking at it thinking that they fucked up your sandwich because this is NOT sauerkraut, this is fucked up. It’s not slaw, it’s not sauerkraut, it’s fucked up. I just paid $63.50 for lunch and they give me this little fucked up goblin meal. That’s what the carrots and cucumbers tasted like. Just not as fucked up. I mean, I ate it. I eat it whenever I get it at whichever little cupcake club bullshit deli that will close in three months hands it to me. I eat a lot of things.
And the fact that this banh mi was, by weight and volume, the equivalent of two banh mis, I almost didn’t get all the way through this one.
So, heads up: If you want a banh mi in downtown MPLS, Vellee Deli is a jam and a half for your ass.
One of the guys from family court asked me how Greek Grill & Cafe was this morning and told me about Vellee Deli, this joint that does Asian - Mexican fusion cuisine. I look it up and it turns out they have banh mis.
Shit is on like the King of Donkeys.
You see, it’s Georgie’s fault that I’m a reuben hound and it’s Keith’s fault that I like banh mis. Now, reubens, when I find a good one, I’m in heaven, but this is Minnepolis; I can throw a rock and hit nine reuben vendors, chances are I’ll get a good one.
Banh mis are a little harder to come by and you usually have to know someone who’s been to a place before you have (like me, I know Keith) to find a good one. Pho Hoa does an awesome chicken one but their pork varieties are so-so. Lotus A Go Go has a really good paté but the bread’s too chewy for me. Lu’s went off-script a while ago with shrinking meat portions and then those fuckers took the fries off the menu… I LOVED you, Lu’s, and you broke my heart. My Huong currently rules Whittier with its beef banh mi.
But finding a banh mi joint downtown? Good luck.
So now I know there is one, now I have to know about it. Like when I went to B'wiched or however you spell it because of their pastrami sandwich; I had to know.
So I walk inside and the decor? Well, it’s hip. I’ll say that. It’s like if you walk into Glamdoll and the staff have removed their pancake makeup, concealed their tattoos, put their hair under ballcaps, and didn’t wear the vintage Donna Reed dresses. Everybody is chipper, friendly, and enthusiastic about what they’re serving. I asked if the BBQ pork banh mi was any good and my cashier’s eyes went wide and she assured me, “It’s REALLY good. You’re going to like it.”
And then BAM! I was rung up for $8.81. (Then there was a two dollar tip.) (What? I may be cheap, I may be an asshole, but I’m not a cheap asshole. Tip, ferfucksake.)
Now, in my hood, a banh mi should never run more than four bucks (fucking Lu’s going off-script at $4.95), so I’m standing there, waiting for my sandwich to be made by a college-aged woman no doubt working between classes and hoping, HOPING that this sandwich that elsewhere costs half of what I just paid is good. I try to justify this inflated cost as a downtown price. I think the junior sandwiches at Arby’s are 40¢ cheaper than downtown in uptown.
Anyway, they call my name and hand me my sandwich and I smile and thank them and get on my bike and come back to the office and unwrap my sandwich and, no shit, this is the biggest banh mi I’ve ever seen and it’s chock full of meet like a Crescent Moon gyro or a Jerusalem’s shawarma. They aren’t fucking around, this Vellee. Already, I felt that the $8.81 was justified.
How did it taste? The meat was great. The paté? I couldn’t tell. The cilantro and jalapeño tasted like they were supposed to. I find some fault in the veggies, though. First, there’re no fucking daikons. I’m about ready to call the president of banh mis and report a fucking hatecrime for that. Then there are the carrots and cucumbers. The carrots are shredded wisp thin and piled on and the cucumbers are big thick strips like french fries. Neither of these is bad. But whatever they pickle these in tastes like that fucked up coleslaw from Keys or whoever it was that gave me some fucked up coleslaw that was supposed to be fancy. It was like the pickled cabbage on the sandwiches at B'wiched, that kind of fucked up. Where you wonder what the fuck you’re supposed to do with it when it comes on the side because it’s fucked up and when it’s on the sandwich you’re opening up the sandwich and looking at it thinking that they fucked up your sandwich because this is NOT sauerkraut, this is fucked up. It’s not slaw, it’s not sauerkraut, it’s fucked up. I just paid $63.50 for lunch and they give me this little fucked up goblin meal. That’s what the carrots and cucumbers tasted like. Just not as fucked up. I mean, I ate it. I eat it whenever I get it at whichever little cupcake club bullshit deli that will close in three months hands it to me. I eat a lot of things.
And the fact that this banh mi was, by weight and volume, the equivalent of two banh mis, I almost didn’t get all the way through this one.
So, heads up: If you want a banh mi in downtown MPLS, Vellee Deli is a jam and a half for your ass.
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