What they don't tell you when they change your heart meds is that you're going to go into intense bouts of pain and lose your appetite and then, after weeks of feeling like twenty five gallons (94½L) of shit in a ten gallon (38L) hat, you get your appetite back and you're in the mood for a meatball sub and not some skimpy Tilt bullshit, either.
Well, it was a meatball sub. It's kind of hard to fuck one of those up. You take some meatballs, you put 'em on a bun, cover 'em with marinara, and throw some cheese on them shits. Bing bang boom, done. You ever have a meatball sub? That's how it tastes. Tastes like you took some meatballs, you put 'em on a bun, covered 'em with marinara, and threw some cheese on them shits. Some taste better than others but they all taste pretty much the same. Like this tastes better than Subway (yeah, I said it, BC) but so does Potbelly. I suppose this was better than Potbelly, too. This had sautéed peppers and onions on it but they were cold. The shredded (shredded?) provolone was also cold, applied in the hopes that the marinara would melt it. The meatballs were big and hot. Yep. Big hot meatballs in my mouth. Big hot saucy meatballs all up in my mouth, just all meaty and beefy and juicy and -
What's that?
Stop?
Man, you guys are no fun.
Compared to the huge pendulous testes I'm sucking on! OH! I took it there! How do you like them meatballs? Are they [ahem] spicy enough for you?
ANYhoo, I really did have to knife and fork this thing because I'm not fucking up my swank repro of the Spanish Evil Dead poster t-shirt by trying to two-hand this brontosaurus motherfucker. (Side note: Remember when they tried to tell us there was no brontosaurus? Like it was just this thing we lived with our whole lives and they tried to snatch that shit from us and tell us it never existed? Like they were gaslighting us. And then they tried the same shit with Pluto? Well, the bronto is back, motherfuckers.)
But, yeah, I suppose this was a good meatball sub in the way all meatball subs are good. Even Subway's is good. Arby's did one for a minute and that was good. I mean, honestly, who fucks up a meatball sub? How do you fuck up a meatball sub? Like, OK, bear with me, I'm going to try. [fingers to temples] OK, replace meatballs with crabcakes. Nope. Still eat it. [rubs intensely] How about... I know! We put it in a tortilla instead of on a bun! Nope. Nope nope. I'd still eat it. [thinks] [snaps fingers] We put thousand island on it instead of marinara. There we go, that's how you fuck up a meatball sub. Now we know and all we have to do is just not that and we're guaranteed success.* I mean, the only other way to fuck up a meatball sub would be putting your dick in it and even then, that might not affect the flavor so long as you've recently showered.
Can I fucking stop now? I think I've taken the dick and balls thing as far as I can, I think I've made it pretty clear that a meatball sub from restaurant A isn't going to be much different from meatball sub at restaurant B, even if I did totally spend twenty minutes weighing out my options today like a goddamned hypocrite and seeking the advice of others, like my coworker who's never seen ET and makes her BLTs with bacon bits - yes, bacon bits.
So, even though Sorrento Cucina Due did me dirty last time, they got lucky this time and I wouldn't even say they got lucky, they were just par for the course.
* However, if you start talking to me about putting crabcakes in tortillas and covering the lot with thousand island, then I'm going to eat that, too.
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