Bottom to top, we’re talking about:
- Chicken Tenders
- Turkey
- Ham
- Swiss
- Corned Beef
- Brisket
- Steak
- Cheddar
- Roast Beef
- Bacon
And I like a spot of horsey sauce on mine. They were out of star cut buns so I took mine on a sesame seed bun.
What did it taste like? Salt. Like all you really get out of it is salt. My old doctor would give me a dirty look for eating this thing this one time. (I had to, they’re closing and Tiffany asked me if I was coming in and - What? Oh, Tiffany is the one who makes my sandwiches. Clarinda is the one who takes my orders.) So I guess it’s good that my doctor’s appointment Monday is with a whole different doctor. I mean, I’m not looking to eat just straight meat, that’s not healthy no matter what your health is like.
One time, Cassie sent me an article - What? Look, I’m not going to explain to you who people are every time I say a name. You have control issues that you need to address. Now, Cassie sent me this article about these people on this whackadoo all-meat diet and they just seemed like psychopaths. And I’m pretty sure they were libertarian, too. And not the good kind of libertarian, either. I’m saying they were like those fucked up Randian libertarians who hide all their money in the Bahamas.
Hm? You’re wondering what the difference is between good and bad libertarians are?
Well, if you’re too lazy to Wikipedia it:
Good: “Traditionally, libertarianism was a term for a form of left-wing politics; such left-libertarian ideologies seek to abolish capitalism and private ownership of the means of production, or else to restrict their purview or effects, in favor of common or cooperative ownership and management, viewing private property as a barrier to freedom and liberty.”
Bad: “In the United States, modern right-libertarian ideologies, such as minarchism and anarcho-capitalism, co-opted the term in the mid-20th century to instead advocate laissez-faire capitalism and strong private property rights, such as in land, infrastructure, and natural resources.”
Man, this has really gone off road so far.
Look, you can’t seriously expect me to review Arby’s. It’s just a place I went for a cheap lunch made cheaper by coupons I would get in the Red Plum and, in the course of going there as frequently as I did, I got to know a few of the staff there (who, by the way, are transferring to other locations).
But it is a sandwich place and this is a sandwich blog and I thought that there’s no way I can have a sandwich blog and not have a picture of the Meat Mountain. That would be silly. And since today was my absolute last chance to get the Meat Mountain… I mean, you can see where I’m going with this.
Anyway, you know about Arby’s. I’m not going to sit here and tell you about Arby’s. Even if you don’t know about Arby’s, I’m not going to sit here and tell you about Arby’s. It’s Arby’s. They make sandwiches. And magical romance apparently. I don’t remember what movie that’s from.
Hold on, I’ve got to IMDb Burt Ward.
What? Yeah, the guy who played Robin in the sixties. You really have to get over your control shit.
OK, scrolling. Scrolling.
Virgin High, 1991.
Why did I watch a movie called Virgin High?
Scrolling… AAnndd…
[claps hands] Yeap! That’s it right there! Linnea Quigley’s in it.
What? You think I don’t know about Linnea Quigley? I know about Linnea Quigley. I’m not even going to hit you with her Return of the Living Dead dance. I’m going for that deep cut. That’s right. Fucked around and did it to ya. Went deep diving for them oysters, pulled out this pearl from Night of the Demons. What do you got to tell me about Linnea Quigley now?
Uh, Charlie?
Yeah, Charlie.
This review ended, like, whole paragraphs ago. You’re just rambling now which I know is something you’re good at but now you’re just kind of going off on this tangent where you’re accusing the reader of thinking you don’t know about certain specific aspects of eighties B-cinema. I mean, if you want to get technical about, right now you’re actually having a metafictional conversation with yourself about how what you were just doing was going off on a tangent where you’re accusing the reader of thinking you don’t know about certain specific aspects of eighties B-cinema.
Well, not really the eighties. Virgin High came out in ninety one.
Yeah but you’re not talking about Virgin High anymore. You’re talking about Night of the Demons and that happened in eighty eight. The eighties. Where eighty eight would be.
You’ve just got to nitpick, don’t you?
It’s not nitpicking. It’s a significant difference! Eighty eight’s over here in the eighties. Ninety one’s over here in the nineties. There’s no crossover. This isn’t a Venn diagram.
You’re submitting to hysterics. Could you please stop?
Fine.
Are you quite through?
Thank you.
I’m really sorry y’all had to see that. Hell, I’m sorry you had to read any of this. This was a fucking train wreck. You know I was using emoticons at one point in this motherfucker and I decided to get rid of them before I hit post?
I feel like that was a good decision.
Anyway, I feel like we covered a lot of ground today, meine spezielle kleine rabauke-jugend. I feel like we got things accomplished, I loved our teamwork, our energy, we were unstoppable together, we had goals and we accomplished them.
Now I’m going to go fuck up the toilet.
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