SEASON SEVEN DEBUT! Arby's, 28 May 2022

Remember season six of Community, when it was just weird because they'd lost three principal cast members, most notably Yvette Brown, the - What? Yes, I know, Donald Glover, whatever, no, I'm talking about Yvette Brown who was low low low key the strongest comedic presence on the show.
    Anyway, what I'm saying is season six was weird. It was different writing. Gillian Jacobs' Britta was... dumb. The writing staff had grappled with that the highest rated seasons were when it was essentially The Abed Show and were trying to pull away from that, especially since they were now on Yahoo! and not NBC. You could see more creative flourishes, you could see that they knew they had a powerhouse character actor in Keith David and they were determined to use him. They produced the funniest episode of the entire series, Garret's wedding.
    But it was still... I don't know, it was different. It was like watching a different show altogether. Which was good, granted, they evolved the right way and... and...
    I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I mean I know what I'm trying to say, I just don't know how to get there. So I'll just say it:
    This is likely the last season of Sandwich Bully.
    Honestly, I was ready to start in March but spring in the Twin Cities is... a cruel deceitful bitch. "Oh, hey, would you like sixty degrees (fifteen and a half for you Celsius nerds)? Great, I'll give that to you after an overnight low of twenty nine (negative one and half, you weird fucks) and then give you a week of highs ranging from the upper forties to the low fifties. Oh, and thunderstorms when it's not just regular ass rain. All the time."
    I got real lucky the previous years but this year, there were, uh, hindrances.
    I'm sorry, that went off-road; you're here to read about sandwiches.
    So, without further ado...

@sophiegstark yeah so I was definitely thinking @arbys when I made this one #sculpture #silicone #arbys #furby ♬ Arbys - TypeHeat

This is the Arby's burger:

That's right, Arby's, the loss leader in fucks to give, has entered the burger arena with nothing but middle fingers and the stink of pussy and tequila on their chins. They have never cared what you thought of them and they're going to do whatever they want.
    You want a Reuben? Sure, they'll do that. Why not? Fuck it.
    You want an Italian sub? They can do that. They do not feel this is an unreasonable request.

    You want a gyro? They shouldn't do that for you but they will do that for you. What they come up with is gross as hell but not every at-bat yields a home run, hey?
    And now a burger. A burger that leads to headlines like these:

Those are the first four headlines you get after Googling "arby's burger". The headlines imply negativity and journalistic laziness (two headlines saying they ate it so I don't have to) (go have your first orgasm, I beg you; you might find you have a personality after that) but the articles all say some variation of "I was pleasantly surprised!" or "I was surprised at how good it was!"
    Jesus Christ, you never-nudes, have you ever been to Arby's? They are reliably middle-of-the-road adequacy! Of course it's going to taste good! It's never going to make you scream "Christ is King!" or whatever y-  Look, Arby's looked at the industry bog standard, the pfft-whatever-named California burger, examined how everybody did it, and said, "OK, let's step that up." And what they came up with was a sous vide burger - yes, I know it's Wagyu, I don't give a shit about Wagyu, it's dead cow flesh, stop being precious about it - that essentially tastes like a Whopper that's more sweet than tangy. And the patty tastes overly peppered, which I am OK with.
    Most of the articles also complain about the price tag. Mine was $6.19. Some places, it's $6.99. Others, it's $5.99. OK, a burger at a sit-down dive bar in Minneapolis up until all the recent inflation was minimum eight dollars. I've seen them go for twelve. Kath remarked that a seven dollar burger wasn't shocking at all considering you can't feed two people at McDonald's for less than twenty beans, supposedly-cheap Taco Bell will remorselessly leng tche you, and how the last time (I think the only time) we (ever) went to Five Guys together, we ordered two burgers, two drinks, and split a fry and the shit was forty damned dollars. Insider says that the Arby's burger is too expensive and too big for customers to "understand". IT'S A JUST FUCKING BURGER, YOU UN-LOVED WAD OF DRAIN HAIR! 
    [sigh]
    I'm exhausted.

    Like I said, it tasted like a Whopper but it was sweet instead of tangy. The patty was heavily peppered. I like it. OK? Is this how we kick off season seven? Mother of god...
    You want to see what I was hoping to open with?

Conny's Creamy Cone, 19 March 2022

That's the cheeseburger. It was bland. Seriously, nobody bothered seasoning it. The cheese wasn't melted and you'd swear they kept the pickles in the freezer next to the ice cream. Really, they were colder than a witch's titty. I was disappointed because I love independent mom & pop walk-up stands.

    Like, mid-March, finally a sunny day, I biked my ass through mud and cold wind for forty five minutes to get to this place and I... I don't know. It's an ice cream shack. They're just not good at burgers. I'm just... I don't know.
    You can see why I'm thinking of making this the last season, right? The season seven debut is about fucking Arby's. And then I complain about a mom & pop joint. That's not a good sign.
    Sure, I'll admit that both of these were in Saint Paul, maybe that's some bad voodoo for the Bully.
    Oh, god, was I calling this blog "The Bully"? I hope so. Because if I referred to myself as "The Bully"... [sigh] Look, I like Saint Paul, I'm just saying that the Twin Cities don't get along so maybe Saint Paul doesn't like me. Maybe, after all these years, I should have introduced myself to Saint Paul.
    Hi, Saint Paul. My name is Charlie. I'm from Toledo. I have no beef with you. Let's be friends. I tell people all the time that whatever food they can find in Minneapolis, they can find better in, well, you. Except for Cuban. I've yet to see you host a Cuban restaurant but that's fine. You're beautiful just the way you are! Please, Saint Paul, let's be friends.

    ANYhoo! I'm planning on visiting this place called Sunny's Deli tomorrow. It's in Minneapolis. We'll see how that goes. I don't fucking know. Look, we got a late start to the season and it's just... Just... I don't know, man, go eat an Arby's burger. They're around only until the end of July.