Ho-Hum On A Bun!

Clearly not my best work, that title but what do you want?

It's October, meine kleine Tyrannjugend, which means that most of our urban exploring in search of the... [checks notes] "Twin Cities' tastiest sandwiches"? That can't be right. Who comes up with this shit? Anyway, the season is coming to a close, winter is 'round the corner. I've got my fucking Dark Shadows box set and I'm ready to get snowed in. Not for another two months but you get me; we've passed the equinox, homie. It's that time of year when sixty degrees (fifteen and a half for you Celsius heads) is a blessing. That and there's just nothing new to get excited about. I've been visiting some favorites and some staples, lately; hell, today I went to this place called Sam's Market and Deli and I went in there and I saw the menu with gyros and burgers and such but I saw no deli counter. So I didn't get anything. But here's what I have gotten since last time...

Safari Express, 15 October 2019

   Kath comes over and says she wants to take me out to dinner and, as per usual, we just head over to the Midtown Global Market because we don't know what we want and it's just easier to walk around and see if anything catches our eye.

   For me, it was the camel burger at Safari Express, which comes fixed up like a Whopper with the addition of grilled pineapple.

   Camel, by the way, tastes like beef.

   That's all I can say about it.

   It tastes like beef.

   I told my mom about that shit.

   She has not replied.

Culver's, 19 October 2019

   Would you believe that, in the fourteen years I've lived in Minnesota, I've never once been to a Culver's? Yesterday changed all that and, well, Kath told me to get ready to get underwhelmed and she was not lying.

   While there were plenty of pollotarian friendly offerings on the menu, one) you can see how serious I am about adhering to that by the fact that I ate camel and two) you don't go to the home of the Butter Burger and not get the Butter Burger.

   I got a Butter Burger Cheese (no, I did not miss a word in there) and the kid at the register asked me what all I wanted on it and I was all, "Uh... Catsup, mustard, pickle, onion?" and he had to ask his manager about that.

   What's that? You want me to rewind the tape? OK.

... the kid at the register asked me what all I wanted on it and I was all, "Uh... Catsup, mustard, pickle, onion?" and he had to ask his manager about that.

   Anyway, he punches this in and it comes up on the screen as "The Works". Catsup, mustard, pickle, and onion constitutes "the works". That's same shit as the dollar cheeseburger at Burger King, the dollar cheeseburger at Wendy's, and the dollar fifty cheeseburger at McDonald's. It's the standard. How is it "the works" at Culver's?

   So how did it taste?

   Well, it was a step above those other fast food joints but it wasn't, uh, all that spectacular. This is the signature Culver's menu item and it was just kind of OK.

   That's pretty much it.

   I know you wanted more but what is there to say? Camel tastes like beef and Culver's aint that good.

   Oh, but Culver's has this thing by the catsup dispenser that is basically like the packet drawer found in every American home. Steak sauce, horsey sauce, malt vinegar, Cholula, spicy brown mustard; just a bunch of random packets sitting in a bucket. That was fascinating to me for some reason.