Here at Sand Witch Bull Lee, we don't get too many opportunities to talk about vegan food. And I got some news for some o'y'all: Vegan food is good eatins. I myself rarely tend to go further than vegetarian but that's because I like cheese and eggs.* In fact, there was a time in my life where this t-shirt, titled "The San Francisco Shopping List" and reading "MILK EGGS CHEESE BREAD BEER TAPATIO" would have been an every day wear and I'm still kicking myself for never having purchased it.
But then I was briefly involved with (here we go) a gluten intolerant vegan (like you haven't heard that before) and I was introduced to (you guessed it) gluten free vegan food or, as I like to call it, scratchy bread. I kid but, mm, ah, that bread will fuck your life up. Vegan cheese is an interesting venture; kind of depends on who's making what kind. Veganaisse will make you scrunch up your nose for a minute because you could swear it was Hellman's but, no, instead of eggs they use this water that chickpeas swim in.
Anyway, the point is that as long as you never eat gluten free bread vegan food is good. Hey, you want me to blow your mind? Spaghetti alla marinara? Vegan. Marinara sauce is vegan, B. There are a lot of things out there you've been eating that are vegan, at least vegetarian.
And that didn't dawn on me until, well, I don't know if you know this, but for a hot minute I was (Jesus Christ) entangled with a gluten intolerant vegan, you know, just because I might not have ever brought it up. Where was I going with this? I forget. Anyway, I'm just saying that as an omnivore, you are allowed to eat vegan. It falls under your jurisdiction. You should try it because you've probably inadvertently eaten vegan at least once this week, unless you're one of those gout-having motherfuckers who just eats one of those family-sized ice cream buckets of ground beef & ranch dressing five times a day. Nasty ass.
So this week, I find there's a vegan restaurant at Lyn-Lake and I'm intrigued. I check the menu and it looks pretty good. I mean, I'm not getting the jack fruit ribs because I've had jack fruit and that was... no, and I was never a big ribs guy in the first place. But the one thing that grabs my eye? The Cheezeburger with lemon cilantro aioli and if you remember that time I went to Cafe Racer, you'll remember that I said this:
But the real knuckleduster in violation of county ordinance was the cilantro aioli. Goddamn, I was swiping my finger through the drops on the plate. It really shined through and bridged the gap between the sriracha aioli, the peppers, and the frank. I would never have thought of this combination before and, as a matter of fact, I have all the fixins for this concoction in my fridge right now. I don't know if I could make an exact replica but that won't stop me from trying because, goddamn, I want this all the time now.
This is where my life is going: To Trio. For the lemon cilantro aioli.
I get there and a very pleasant server spies my bike bag and gloves and intuitively asks if I'm ordering to go and I tell her I'm interested in enjoying the air conditioning. I look over the menu for a minute to pretend I don't know what I want like some sort of dickhead and I ask if the burger comes with vegetarian cheese substitute, she says everything they have is vegan, one thing leads to another and I've vegan gouda coming on my burger (the other two options were American and pepper jack but she recommended gouda). I get the house patty instead of the other thing, the Impossible knock off. Ordered a Coke.
Then, because I'm that single dude that shops Etsy for horror movie shit because, I don't know, because I'm pathetic or something - look, I'm just going to admit that I saw these bangin' earrings based off the blue iris in Suspiria a while ago and I thought they'd make an awesome gift for the girlfriend I don't have, alright!? I'm not going to bullshit you and say I just never closed the tab, no, I'm a fuckin' man, I'll admit that I was looking to buy jewelry just in case I meet somebody who wants to make me a permanent fixture in their life.
But really I was just trying to look like I was dicking off on my phone because I had my phone ready to toggle over to camera because being the writing Sandwich Bully requires stealth. Not because I can't handle it if I'm identified as the Sandwich Bully guy who writes Sandwich Bully but because taking pictures of your food looks dorky, OK? So if a server happens to see me playing with my phone, she'll look over my shoulder and, rather than see me playing with my camera, she'll see me looking at flower earrings and she'll say, "Oh, those are pretty."
And I'll say, "Oh, thanks, they were going to be for my girlfriend."
And she'll make a funny face. "Going... to be... ?"
Then I'll take a deep breath and clear my throat. "Yeah, um. Sorry, it's still hard to talk about. She was, uh [cough] hit by a truck in Mankato last week and, uh... [clears throat] yeah, so... I don't know, I just never bought them but I never closed the tab."
And, that, meine tyrannjugen, is how you score a free side order of fries.
I bet you thought I was going to say that's how you bang waitresses.
Well, no.
That's how you bang nurses but you kind of have to have the body with you, so, you know, challenges.
OK, let's quit being assholes. Specifically me, I need to stop being an asshole.
HOW WAS THE FUCKING BURGER, CHARLIE?
Well, I saw the size of the thing and I made the mistake of smushing it down, forgetting that black beans don't behave like ground beef. So mistake one. Mistake two, I burnt the roof of my mouth a little. But it was good. I don't know, every time I have black bean anything I connect to Latin cuisine a little. I also saw bits of carrot in the patty.
The veggies, as you'd have to expect from a vegan joint, were fresh, though - and this is in no way a complaint - I think they used shallot instead of onion. My world didn't end.
But that lemon cilantro aioli? We have another winner, another finger-through-the-plate dragger: Tangy, creamy... Like my lover's brains smeared along the inside northbound lane on 169... [choking up] Damnit, she was only five minutes away from St. Peter! And that trucker was texting... Oh, gawd! [feign breakdown, receive comped soda pop]
So, listen up. Trio is good. Just because I don't like jack fruit doesn't mean you won't. If you're vegan and nobody's told you about this place yet, I'm telling you about it. If you're an omnivore and you've been wondering about vegan food, the cheezeburger is your gateway. They have vegan nachos, another gateway. I've had 'em at J. Selby's, I've had 'em at the Bad Waitress, if I weren't by myself, I would've got them from Trio. They've got a six item vegan soul food platter (of which the jack fruit ribs are a part) for twenty two bucks and when you look at it - here we are with that theory about how much of what you eat is vegan in the first place - you'll see only two items are vegan versions of non-vegan dishes. The other four? Yams, collard greens, slaw, cornbread? All vegan. (Well, provided you don't use lard in your cornbread.) Think about Thanksgiving: Aside from the turkey and the possible appearance of mac & cheese, all those sides (ought to be) vegan. Y'all Catholic? Got your Easter hams? Look at all those sides which are probably vegan. You're eating vegan all the time, and you probably didn't even consider it.
Trio is good people making good food without killing or otherwise exploiting animals. Almond-based cheese doesn't sound that weird when you consider there's almond milk. So, no, it's not weird, it's the jam, nothing here appears to be made by Sysco, I encourage, I implore you, to go to Trio Plant Based at - I'll even give you the address - 610 W Lake St, 55408. Get a burger and a Coke like you would anywhere else. It's good. Trust me. Do you think I go around lying to people?
I mean, she made me promise honesty. She promised honesty to me and expected the same in return. And then... She insisted that she was good to drive after... I'm sorry. It's just - I told her that she couldn't possibly eat all that Arby's and not fall into a food coma [start sobbing] behind the goddamned wheel and I just [bury your face in your arms if you can't work up the tears] I can't! I can't! [And that's a plate of nachos for the table.]
* I used to know this vegetarian chick who complained once that people thought she ate vegetables when she hated vegetables, she just ate bagels and shit.
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