“Great,” I rolled my eyes, “A Potbelly cheesesteak.” With reluctant sigh and shattered heart, I surrendered and said, “A’ight. Let’s see this thing.”
Nope, no cheesesteak.
Then, because I was thinking of food, I got hungry and hit the skyway for a breakfast sandwich. A little egg and cheese action, maybe get some whole grain in this motherfucker. And I passed this joint that wasn’t open yet, Sorrento Cucina Due, and I peep the menu and I see they got themselves an Italian beef.
Now I can’t hardly remember the last time that I had an Italian beef so it’s just as likely that I either lived in Ohio when I last had one or I just never had one at all. It’s probably because I’m usually on the go, I never really stop in to dine in (unless I’m hitting Wendy’s for a Frosty) (fuck you, Frostys are bomb), and getting an Italian beef to go doesn’t really work, what with the bread just getting soggier and soggier.
But I was intrigued. It was either this or pizza again. And I’m over pizza.
Yeah yeah yeah, yes, hipsters, we all hear you. Your acrylic pizza pins that you bought off Etsy are “rad”. You dipshits do realize that you’re just doing to pizza in the teens what you did to bacon in the aughts, right? You’ve got something that pretty much everybody can already agree is good and then you yell and scream about how awesome it is in “dank memes” and wear t-shirts that say shit like PIZZA SLUT until everybody who’s just trying to eat lunch decides not to hate their lunch but to hate you because you’re a little fucking kid in a big back seat that just won’t shut the fuck up about shit nobody cares about while we’re trying to goddamned drive and jokes on you, you fucking pricks, with your “Oh my ggaawwdd I could eat bacon every day forevah!” YOU CAN’T! YOU CAN’T EAT BACON EVERY DAY FOREVER! Do you know how bad that would be for you? If you try to eat bacon every day just within a mortal life time, you will have a significantly shortened lifetime! Have you ever considered that fat isn’t just a thing that makes meat taste good but fucking harmful to your health in the dosages you suggest espousing? And pizza!? Guess what, bitch! SODIUM! There’s sodium in them shits! A lot of fucking sodium! You can’t have that much sodium! You will die!
Listen, I’m going to keep it one hundred with you: I like fucking my girlfriend and I like fucking my girlfriend a whole lot. So I intend to make healthy dietary choices so that I live a long time and get to fuck my girlfriend just that much more. Y’all want to talk some shit about pizzas and bacon and have a fucking Pabst-Off or whatever at your next Ron Swanson lookalike contest, go ahead and die young.
Or something.
Where was I?
Right, I’m over pizza for the moment.
So I stop back in at Sorrento Cucina Due for lunch and I ordered an Italian beef. Asked for my bread dry. They gave me au jus on the side. This dude two dudes ahead of me was informed of the house salad dressing and asked for fucking ranch.
I. Swear. To god. You hipster fucks. If you even start in on me about how great ranch is - I mean, really. It’s straight buttermilk, you flabby fucks! Your body is not going to last forever. About the time you hit thirty, the motherfucker’s going to start disintegrating on you if all you eat is goddamned ranch dipped bacon wrapped pizza. If all you eat is fat and sodium, you are going to fall apart. Eat a fucking orange or something! Some broccoli! Jesus Christ!
So this dude asked for ranch and the manager and I both looked at the guy a little funny but nobody else batted an eye. Fucking Midwest, man. I swear.
I got my sandwich with a 500mL Coke and I was all, “Ooh, shit! Is this European!?” and I checked the label and nope. Had high fructose corn syrup. Dog gone.
Anyway, the beef was tender, thin, and sweet, the giardiniera was crisp with a medium heat, the bread was spongy and soaked up my on-the-side-for-dipping au jus like a sham-wow, and the au jus had a salty, savory tang to it. My coworker told me the joint is a satellite location for the legit old world brick and mortar joint and I’m inclined to believe that. If this wasn’t made in-house, I’ll eat my hat. I doubt we’re talking about Kobe beef here but if this was Sysco (and it more than likely was Sysco) beef, they worked magic on it. Giardiniera def tasted homemade. The hoagie roll I think I recognized as being from the same bakery Lu’s used to source theirs from back in the day. (You know, before Lu’s broke my heart. You fuckers.) For $8.80, I walked away with a sandwich and a metric Coke. The serving size was typical for downtown.
However, like I said earlier, I haven’t had one in so long that I’m not sure I’ve ever had one at all. Seriously. So I can’t gauge if this Italian beef is better than any other Italian beef in the Twin Cities but I will vouch that it’s worth your money if you’re in downtown Minneapolis over the lunch hour.
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